How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
