i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
