you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
