I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
