I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
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My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize