I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
