Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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