Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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