ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize