I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
