Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
