I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
