He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
