at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
my poor anus
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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