it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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