I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm getting married
To pizza
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
