Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
