I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
