I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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