You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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