I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
