Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
