I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
