If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
