did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
