3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
someone threw a dead crab at me
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
