Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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