You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
