You smell like a Billy Joel song
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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