If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
