i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
