Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
