apparently the secret to your success is patron
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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