So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
