i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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