I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
There's always time for handjobs
This is the high leading the old right now
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
