I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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