bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
