Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
