I think I just saw someone hide a body.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
