Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Randomize
