Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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