The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Girls should come with a carfax report
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
