You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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