Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Hippo gnu deer
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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