WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize