Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
