The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
