I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
