my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
