I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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