Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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