I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize