i was born a porn star she said
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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