You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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