she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
