Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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