im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
