Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
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