i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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