So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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