Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I CAN MOONWALK!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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