if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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