Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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