I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
